oh, another new year! oh, another chance to reinvent yourself with all those hopes and dreams youโve been putting off for the last 10 years!
in 2014, i wanted to be a super sexy famous fashion blogger. i created a blogspot and wrote: โnot only is summer great for sleeping all day and not having to care about anything, but it gives you more free time so you can enjoy yourself and life. what better way to enjoy both, than making a blog? so long story short, welcome to my blog, that i would use to write about my life, fashion, music, and anything else that comes to mind.โ still so tru bestie.
following my blog announcement, i wrote about kendall jennerโs bleached brows in a givenchy fw ad campaign. then i wrote a week in my life type thing, a concert review, and some sort of dress code feminism manifesto. my origin story of being a rookie mag tumblr girlie never fails. i wrote 23 posts that year, 43 the following, and 5 the year after. the decline was mostly because i had gotten into a relationship that Totally consumed my life, and i was also embarrassed that they mightve thought of my blog as cringe. more on that trauma later xD.
i wish i didnt stop, mainly because i def wouldve been a super sexy famous blogger by now, but also because it fueled my love for writing. back then, i didnt put extra thought into the topics i explored. i shitposted candidly and excessively on anything and everything. there was no image i had to uphold. if anything, it seemed like the more you were online, the better your chance of becoming an internet star was. its because of that blog and me not knowing what da fuck i was supposed to do as an adult i decided to study creative writing in undergrad โ even when i was convinced i could be a successful author who never reads.
now im 25, still trying to become a super sexy famous fashion blogger, and falling short because im overthinking what to write. the older i get, the more i yearn for those good old days โ when i was still a baby on the internet, documenting all aspects of my life โ while they become harder and harder to reach. im even struggling just to sit down and write because i want to make sure its Perfect. since this is a solo act, thereโs no one to blame but myself if it isnt. i may have been cringe then, but at least i was Free!
the archive for socuteithurtsdotsubstackdotcom is pretty random as well. an opener about not knowing what to write, an in/out list, my fashion inspo (i def predicted office siren btw, but i still think dweeb couture is a cuntier name), and a day in my life at the pumpkin patch. old habits DIE HARD.
im more proud of my posts from the last year, the more cultural/internet fashion analysis ones. u could tell i started listening to podcasts and video essays, diving deeper into my intersecting interests. because of these, i feel like i have to follow that pattern โ brand myself as an alt internet marxist โwhich might be possible since i am addicted to the online world, but i miss personal writing too. the days when i thought i would be the next sosadtoday. yet, since ive been in a healthy 4-year relationship, stopped drinking and partying, started therapy and meds, my life is normal-ish. theres no life-shattering drama or unbelievable manhattan socialite tales to tell. turning my life into a female manipulator best-seller would be a snooze fest. i honestly dont cry that much anymore, either, so even a sylvia plath/elizabeth wurtzel persona is difficult to have. and then theres my fantasies about climbing the magazine corporate ladder as i become a chic fashion critic turn magazine editor-in-chief.
theres all these different routes to go down. i can envision myself doing and being happy with them all, too, which is why im unsure what direction to take when it comes to this blog. im afraid of pigeonholing myself or even worse: choosing the wrong label. in the age of internet self-commodification, the content i upload becomes my Identity. growing up alongside the birth of influencers has rewired my brain to crave validation and attention on my entire being from strangers online. i imagine the way my ex-crush, the person i used to be friends with, and the girl i want to be sees my digital footprint. hot. smart. funny. lowkey. talented. thriving. i look at myself through someone looking at me or whatever john berger said.
i can try to do it all โ explore all forms and content. this is where im currently at and what im trying to do. but i cant help but feel like im losing the chance of growing a dedicated audience. we follow people for their specific personality, how we assume theyll post and what we assume theyll create. we get mad when a band changes their sound after their first album or when an indie darling breaks into the mainstream. without a specific beat, i drown in the sea of twenty-something-years old writers living in new york city. if i dont obey in branding myself or at least in a way that appears effortless, i gain no clout, which is capital within our attention economy. where will i ever go without that? how will people read my words if nobody knows i exist?
i know i should be writing for myself because i love it oh so much and theres a deep innate calling within me, but all i ever wanted was to make a living off my writing. at least enough that allows me to quit my day job and provide some financial stability. i know i picked the wrong medium if this is my end goal. there was never much money in publishing and journalism to begin with, but in the early 2000s it appeared doable or at least partly. there was the big boom of bloggers and digital media, which ultimately replaced print. most of those are either shutting down completely or facing sufficient layoffs almost weekly. i feel delusional to believe amidst all this that im special enough โ my writing strong enough โ to make it. but that delusion is also the very thing i need to keep me going. theres no plan b; this is my only option. of course that only stresses me out moreโฆโฆ.<3
as the years go by and i have yet to become a super sexy famous fashion blogger, im reminded that im doing the internet โ and ultimately writing โ all wrong. there are many, many people younger than me doing far, far more stuff than me. my time is running out and the time i do have left is wasted as i play catch up. although i would KILL to NO LONGER BE PERCEIVED (not even in a quirky meme way, but in a i have anxiety and if everyone doesnt love me i will DIE way) and for my writing to exist on its own โ for my writing to gain a readership based on the merit of its words and not the caricature i represent โ i have unfortunately chosen a craft heavily tied to the spectacle. and the connection between the two only continues to flourish. but isnt this part of existing as a girl as well so did i ever even really have a choice!?!?!?!!!?!
im not sure if i should even be saying this or why im doing it. being vulnerable and honest in this way will kill any cool girl, idgaf! image i may have had crafted โ although i doubt i even exist within one. maybe its to show that i really care (ew), i put hard effort (ew ew), and i want to continue doing that while i find my voice though this blog? (ew ew ewwwwwww). or Possibly its just another rebrand announcementโฆ! whatever it is and whatever the reason may be, i hope you will continue to follow along on this journey... (เน>โก<เน)โหโน โกหโบโงโห โญโ โบ๏ฝก หโ โกโโง. ห ๏ฝกโบ