i’ve been trying to write abt my feelings/thoughts more because i found a bunch of nyc poets on instagran n got jealous (what’s new). here’s some of them 4 all u nosy bitches. (don’t worry im a chismosa too)
03/07/22 12:29am
i feel like everyone’s a better writer than me. and when i say everyone, i mean people on instagram who are younger than me. but it shouldn’t be that way? i put myself into thousands of dollars of debt to say i have a creative writing degree from a good writing school but like is it even creative if its only my life? i thought about writing fiction but how do i come up with a fake story that’s interesting when i can’t even think of a real one thats interesting to read. maybe i can do poetry, doesn’t anything count as poetry these days anyways? idk but poetry hurts my head. i only like sylvia plath for the aesthetic. how can i be a girl writer and not like sylvia plath? but i think i only read like 5 poems. i don’t think i understood them either. i think im stupid. or maybe im smart for tricking everyone into thinking im smart when actually im stupid. can you be stupid and smart? im just writing whatever comes to mind because isn’t that what writers do? sorry for so many questions, like i said im stupid. and i ask a lot. i think its good to ask a lot but also i think i know everything. anyways i can’t even write an actual diary entry because every time i try im like fuck this has to be good because one day when im a super famous writer my fans are going to want to read my diary and find good shit in there. but diary are supposed to be personal and secret and for my eyes only so how can i write a diary if i already think someone is going to read it? but actually nobody is going to read it because i have no fans because i think im a writer and then i read someone’s poetry and want to die because thats something i can’t/don’t do. im a fake writer i think. i say im a writer because i don’t know what else to do. i feel like its too late to say im something else. but also i like to hear myself talk and like i said i think im always right so maybe i am writer. idk. nobody is going to see this but also everyone is going to see this because i love the internet and addicted to posting stupid shit online so people can be like oh she’s so cool when really im so lame that im writing a / diary entry / for a fake audience. is this poetry? i doubt it.
on the train 03/07/22
it’s going to be a good summer, that’s what everyone’s saying. but we say that every year and every year is the same. i think the sun will drag me out of my bed, ideas will blossom. but sweat sends me to the nearest ac and the humidity at the subways become too much. i wish my moods matched the weather, maybe seasonal depression would be easier. every day of every month of every year is the same — i sit, i sulk, i wish for days to be better. i guess i just have to get up and make stuff. how do i do that when i’m so tired? i can blame life and capitalism and all that bullshit but it doesn’t do anything. it gives me fake wokeness and a star in theory. get up and write. i feel like i’m always pretending and i’m always waiting. it’s going to be a good summer.
before I clock in 03/08/22
my therapist told me i write too many self negative thoughts. i wish she told me i was funny. She looked sad when she said it, which made me feel sad. i wanted to cry but i couldnt. i wasn’t sure if it was because i didnt want her to see me cry or because i felt there was no need to cry. i didnt cry afterwards either. i want to talk to myself with compassion, i want to write with compassion too. but im stuck in this sad girl persona. i resorted back to it recently because i was like fuck it lemme embrace it. i like girlhood more than i like womanhood anyways. i think. is it possible to be a hot sad girl who is sad but like not actually sad? wait! just remembered! there is a way and those girls do exist; they are white girls! im not white though. so i go back to being actually sad. i hope i’ll be funny when im better.
boyf forced me to see squid n im the only she/her 03/22/22
convo with said boyf bc we had ear plugs:
like charli brown
no bio so emo
4000 listeners but going at it for 8 year is that a little bit, 4000 is nothing, computer wife has more
i could write for the blog
review: nightmare man the end
literallt can’t hear u
it’s putting me to sleeep too, but in that asmr way bb
beach house
these eat plugs do work, when i took it out my ears hurt bc it was so loud
told u thi -.-
but lowkey the way bass shakes ur body is a little exhausting but good
da hell happened to the dude
he’s too emo for me
actually, bitch needs a therapist
do u think spongebob is going to come thru too?
i bet u sm dudes r like tfw u don’t have a gf to go see squid w
3/14/22
the more i avoid my work, the sadder i get. the sadder i get, the harder it is to start. i wish it came to me easy, i wish i knew everything i had to say and how to say it. i don’t think it would be as good, i think the struggle is part of what makes it good but at least i would have something to show instead of all my first opening paragraphs.
03/29/22 7:48pm
deez nuts
like everything i’ve promised before, i was only abt to rly stick to it for 2 days lollllllz. whatev at least yall don’t have 2 scroll 4 days. b back soon w better content i swear! but yall can also see wha i’ve been doing here! yaaaas shameless self promo!
xoxoxoxoooxoxxxoxoxox